A guy goes into a bar...

[Ed Hansberry]

A guy goes into a bar with a six foot long newt on a lead.

He sits on a bar stool and the newt rears up and puts his front feet on the bar while the man orders. "I'll take a beer and Tiny here will have whiskey".

The barman serves them both and the man sips his beer and occasionally holds the whisky up to the newt's lips so he can have a drink.

They go on like this most of the evening with the man ordering "A beer for me and a whiskey for Tiny" and when the bar quietens down a bit, the barman says to the man "That's an interesting pet you have there"

The man replies "Yes. he's an amazonian attack newt given to me by the chief of a tribe of south american indians I spent a few years with once. He's very fierce."

The barman looks the seemingly placid and by now slightly drunk newt up and down and says "hmm. he doesn't look all that fierce to me"

Just then, as if on cue, a couple of rowdy guys enter the bar and sit down next to the man and the newt. The nearest one is talking loudly to his friend and gesticulating wildly and knocks the chaps beer over. Rather than apologize for his obvious mistake, he complains that the beer had spilled on his new jeans and threatens to clobber the man.

In an instant the newt is on him and bites at the men's arms and legs till both of the newcomers run screaming and bleeding from the bar.

The barman says "Wow, I've never seen anything like that before. I bet you don't get much trouble with him around do you"

The guy shakes his head and agrees but says that he had better go before the police come back and arrest him for having a dangerous animal in public.

The barman bids him good night and says "Before you go I have just one question. Why the heck do you call him Tiny".

The man replies "Because he's my newt"

:rotfl:

[Ed Hansberry]

A guy goes into a bar and sits down at the counter looking miserable.

The barman asks him what he wants and the fellow says "Straight Whiskey, and keep 'em coming" so the barman puts a shot glass down in front of the guy and begins to pour.

The man downs one drink after another for the space of 10 minutes by which time the bottle is practically empty and the barman says "Whoa there, I've seen heavy drinking but you take the record. What brought this on"

The guy shakes his head and says "Friend, if you had what I've got, you'd be drinking this way too"

The barman looks at him, real concerned and says "Darn, what do you have that'd make you want to guzzle like that?"

The man replies "Just about a dollar fifty"

[Anthony Caruana]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following;

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs rings.
6. And, if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[Kati Compton]

<groan>

[GoldKey]

The man replies "Because he's my newt"

:rotfl:


This one really has to be read aloud to work.

[GoldKey]

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders
a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal.
I don't think you can pay for it."
"You're right, " the guy says, "I don't have any money,
but if I show you something you haven't seen before
will you give me a drink?"

"You have a deal my friend," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a
hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar, it runs to
the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across
the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts
playing Gerswhin.

"You're right I haven't heard anyting like that before,"
says the bartender. "The hamster is really gifted."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for
another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?"
asks the bartender. "Watch this," replies the guy.
Again, he reaches into his coat and pulls out a frog.
He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog
starts to sing. The frog has a marvelous voice
and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar
runs over to the guy and offers him $300
for the frog. "It's a deal," says the guy.
He takes the three hundred and gives the
stranger the frog. The stranger runs out
of the bar.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You
sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been
worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so," says the guy.
"The hamster is a ventriloquist."

[portnoy]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them. While I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its' rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my BIG mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours, honey!" I don't remember much after that...

[spursdude]

This one really has to be read aloud to work.
Wow.... thank you very much for letting me know..... I had thought that Ed had lost his sense of humor or something. (nah...)

[Pony99CA]

A guy is sitting at the bar staring at his whiskey when a big truck driver comes in and drinks it. The man starts crying.

The truck driver, taken aback by this, says, "Hey, man, it was just a joke. Let me buy you another drink."

The man says, "But you don't understand! Today was the worst day of my life."

The truck driver asks why it was so bad. The man says, "First, my alarm clock died, so I was late to work for an important meeting. Then the boss fired me. When I went to my car to drive home, I found it had been stolen. I called a cab to take me home, but, when I got home, I didn't have my wallet, because I left it in my car. When I got inside my house, I found my wife with another man...."

The truck driver says, "Wow, buddy, I'm sorry."

The man says, "And then, just as I'm about to end it all, you show up and drink my poison!"

Steve

[Pony99CA]

This one really has to be read aloud to work.
Wow.... thank you very much for letting me know..... I had thought that Ed had lost his sense of humor or something. (nah...)
I got it by reading, but still didn't find it that funny.

However, the play on words was cute, so I'll give it a "Not That Bad" on the A Joke A Day (http://www.ajokeaday.com/ChisteDelDia.asp) scale.

Steve

[ctmagnus]

This one really has to be read aloud to work.
Wow.... thank you very much for letting me know..... I had thought that Ed had lost his sense of humor or something. (nah...)
I got it by reading, and it wasn't that funny then. :razz:

Steve

I originally read it as min-ute, not my-nute.

Tomato, tomato.

See, some jokes are better when heard rather than read.

[Pony99CA]

An old man orders a boilermaker at a bar. Just as the bartender delivers it, three big bikers walk up to the bar.

The first sits down to the right of the man, grabs the shot and drinks it.

The second sits down to the left of the man, grabs the beer and drinks it.

The third pulls the man off of his bar stool and takes his seat.

The man gets up, turns around and walks out of the bar.

The first biker looks at his friends and laughs, "Not much of a man, was he?"

The bartender says, "Not much of a driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles with his eighteen-wheeler."

Steve

[Pony99CA]

See, some jokes are better when heard rather than read.
I know that. I just didn't think it was very funny either way. Different strokes....

Steve

[stitics]

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender (bar tender) here"?

[stitics]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

[Ed Hansberry]

See, some jokes are better when heard rather than read.
I know that. I just didn't think it was very funny either way. Different strokes....

Steve
Yeah Steve. We heard you the first time. Do us all a favor and click that link in the lower left that says "Stop Watching This Topic" will 'ya? :roll:

[Pony99CA]

Yeah Steve. We heard you the first time. Do us all a favor and click that link in the lower left that says "Stop Watching This Topic" will 'ya? :roll:
Why would I want to do that? Your other joke was OK (although I'd heard it before), and portnoy's joke was great. Unless you wrote the "my newt" joke, there's no reason to take it personally that someone doesn't like it. :duh:

Steve

[aroma]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter... he can't come anyway! ;)

[aroma]

Here's a classic...


Three guys walk into a bar... you think the third one would have ducked!

[rhmorrison]

Three guys walk into a bar... you think the third one would have ducked!
I would have thought that the SECOND one would have ducked, but then they must be SLOW...

[Ed Hansberry]

Yeah Steve. We heard you the first time. Do us all a favor and click that link in the lower left that says "Stop Watching This Topic" will 'ya? :roll:
Why would I want to do that? Your other joke was OK (although I'd heard it before), and portnoy's joke was great. Unless you wrote the "my newt" joke, there's no reason to take it personally that someone doesn't like it.
Mainly because people get sick of you complaining. If you don't like something, just leave it alone. How much fun would this board be if everytime someone posted anything anywhere, people just jumped in. "I don't like this software. This hardware sucks. Your UI stinks. That joke isn't funny."

Take a break from it.

[lurch]

Mainly because people get sick of you complaining. If you don't like something, just leave it alone. How much fun would this board be if everytime someone posted anything anywhere, people just jumped in. "I don't like this software. This hardware sucks. Your UI stinks. That joke isn't funny."

Take a break from it.

Easy fellas, easy!!! ;) Be 8)

[Pat Logsdon]

Since there have been a few biker jokes:

Q: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?



A: The location of the dirtbag. :mrgreen: :roll:

[rhmorrison]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender
hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to
compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal!
I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many
times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I
heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming
from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it
said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3
wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She
said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body
like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I
ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make
sensuous love with you here by this stream."

She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for
hours!

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious
lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one
more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

[rhmorrison]

So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says' That's amazing. Where did you get him?' Bill says' well I got this magic lamp with a genie' So the other fellow says that's great could I use it?' Bill says 'sure ' and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says' I want a million bucks'. Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks! Joe exclaims 'Hey! I asked for 1 million BUCKS! not DUCKS!' Bill explained 'Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?

[ux4484]

What's the difference between an Audi (or fill in the car make of your choice) and a porcupine?

[Ed Hansberry]

A string goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve strings here" and escorts the string out.

The string stands in the street for a second and goes back in again, this time sitting at a table. The bartender notices him though and walks over to the table. "I have already told you, we don't serve strings here, now get out and don't come back!" He picks up the string and throws it into the street.

After a few cars run over him and a few people walk all over him, he is all knotted, mangled and just messed up. He pulls himself up, looks at the bar and hobbles back in.

The bartender sees him and says "Hey, aren't you that string I threw out a few minutes ago?"

The string replies "Nope, 'fraid not."

[Janak Parekh]

The string replies "Nope, 'fraid not."
Got a <groan> smiley to add to the bboard, Ed? :lol:

--janak

[Ed Hansberry]

The string replies "Nope, 'fraid not."
Got a <groan> smiley to add to the bboard, Ed? :lol:
Isn't this pretty close? :pukeface2:


:lol:

[Pat Logsdon]

The string replies "Nope, 'fraid not."
Got a <groan> smiley to add to the bboard, Ed? :lol:
Isn't this pretty close? :pukeface2:
I think this one would be appropriate, too:

:twak:

:wink:

[JackTheTripper]

A guy walks up to the bartender and orders a beer. They get to talking about various bar trick they’ve seen done and the guy says “I bet I’ve got one you’ve never seen done before. I can stand at one end of the bar and piss into a shot glass at the other end of the bar without spilling a drop on you bar top.” Bartender says he a liar and wouldn’t let him try it. The guy says “How about a little wager. If I can do it I drink for free for the rest of the night. If I can’t I’ll give you $5000.” The bartender can’t believe the bet. It’s practically a win/win situation for him so he says “You’re on.” And set’s a shot glass at the far end of the bar. The guy takes a long drink from his beer and wipes his mouth on his sleeve. Then he stands up on the bar and undoes his pants. The whole bar gets quiet. The man concentrates. Closes his eyes for a second then opens them again. After a short pause he let’s loose. First on the bar, then on the bar stools, then on the floor behind the bar area and in the ice. Even on the bartender himself. The bartender is laughing the whole time. The man zips up his pants and returns to his seat at the bar. After the bartender is finally able to breath again he picks up the shot glass and says “You didn’t even get a drop in. You owe me $5000.” The guy says he’ll be right back and goes to the table in the corner and returns with $5000 cash. “What was that about?” says the bartender. “Oh, I bet the guys in the corner $20,000 that I could stand on the bar and piss all over it and you would just laugh.

[Hyperluminal]

An proton, a neutron and an electron walk into a bar. They all order their drinks. They finish, and the neutron notices his drink was free. Being an honest person, he goes to the bartender and asks if he made a mistake. The bartender says, "No mistake. For you, no charge."

:lol:

[Pony99CA]

How much fun would this board be if everytime someone posted anything anywhere, people just jumped in. "I don't like this software. This hardware sucks. Your UI stinks. That joke isn't funny."
What? People do that all the time. Feedback about hardware stinking (http://www.pocketpcthoughts.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=10586), poor software (http://www.pocketpcthoughts.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=2217) and bad UIs (http://www.pocketpcthoughts.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=9964&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=11) aren't really bad things. Those are people sharing their experiences and views about things.

By the way, check that second link. Here's a summary:

I absolutely hate Audible software and support. They have a lousy desktop interface that behaves like no other Windows software I've ever seen. They have a flaky Pocket PC player that insists on launching when Audible Manager on the desktop launches. They have the worlds second worst Digital Rights Management. Microsoft Reader's DRM5 is the worlds worst.
And some people even have the gall to complain about Off Topic things like leprechaun themes (http://www.pocketpcthoughts.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=10207).

Anyway, I'm sorry. I thought you'd be able to take a little criticism about the joke. I also thought other people were allowed to complain once in a while, but apparently I misinterpreted the part of the slogan that says "view, rants and raves". I'll try to stop being evil incarnate. I even went back and edited my first comment (http://www.pocketpcthoughts.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=14613&start=9) to be more charitable. :-)

Steve

[lurch]

And some people even have the gall to complain about Off Topic things like leprechaun themes (http://www.pocketpcthoughts.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=10207).
Oh ouch! :wink:

[Pony99CA]

And some people even have the gall to complain about Off Topic things like leprechaun themes (http://www.pocketpcthoughts.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=10207).
Oh ouch! :wink:
Oops, I didn't remember that you posted some of those comments. That "Bad UI" link I posted was a post by you, too. I just did a search for threads that I remembered; I really wasn't trying to pick on you. :beer:

Steve

[aroma]

An proton, a neutron and an electron walk into a bar. They all order their drinks. They finish, and the neutron notices his drink was free. Being an honest person, he goes to the bartender and asks if he made a mistake. The bartender says, "No mistake. For you, no charge."

:lol:

:bangin: I can't belive I actually thought this one was funny...

[ironguy]

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a gorgeous woman. After a while she turns to him and says, "I'll do anything you want for 200 dollars."

"Anything?", he whispers.

"Anything", she purrs.

The man takes two crisp 100 dollar bills from his wallet and hands them to her.

"I'm all yours, what do you want handsome?"

He leans over and whispers in her ear...

"Paint my house"

[JackTheTripper]

An proton, a neutron and an electron walk into a bar....and have a drinking contest. After 10 shots of whisky each the proton says "I think I'm gonna be sick." The neutron just sat there trying not to fall off his stool but the electron says "You're always so negative." The proton replies "No, I'm positive."

[dh]

Three brewery reps walk into the hotel bar at a beverage industry convention. They work for Molson, Coors and Guinness.

“What can I get you?” asks the bartender.

“I’ll have a nice cold Molson please” says the Molson rep.

“Coors Lite for me” chimes in the Coors guy.

“Make mine a coke” answers the Guinness rep.

“What’s this?” asks the Coors rep “a beer salesman who doesn’t drink?”

“No” replies the Guinness man “you guys were ordering soft drinks so I though I’d join you”.

[Ed Hansberry]

The earthquake struck at 5:47 PM, just when the subway was at it's peak load for the evening rush hour. The train shook and rattled more than usual and then ground to a halt with 975 passengers, all standing in the darkness.

Various people moaned that the power had been cut and that they should all sit tight and everything would be alright but half an hour passed and the train still didn't move. A couple of passengers decided to force the doors open and walk along the track. They returned after another half hour with the tale that the tunnnel had collapsed in front of the train and that they were going the other way. After 15 minutes or so, they came back again saying that the tunnel had also collapsed behind the train and that they were trapped.

Several of the passengers were able to use their cellphones to alert the rescue services and after some discussion and reference to maps, they discovered that the section of tunnel they were in had no ventilation, was 150 feet under ground and was blocked off from the outside by 200 yards of fallen tunnel roof. A quick calculation was made and the authorities realised there was only enough oxygen for 4 hours for the 975 people trapped on the train.

Frantic rescuers began to dig at the collapsed tunnel but the going was very difficult and after two hours only 25 yards of material had been cleared away. They redoubled their efforts and in another hour had cleared a further of 50 yards of rubble but they had all come to the conclusion that the effort was a race against the odds and that the people trapped in the train were doomed unless a miracle happened.

Suddenly, from behind the rescuers a voice was heard "Stand aside, stand aside. I'll get those folks out of there" Everyone turned round and they saw the thinnest, scrawniest most underfed looking guy with a huge shovel stood behind them. When asked, he said his name was Bill Skumpini and that he was the international ditch digging champion of the world and he could dig single-handedly better than any ten men present. The chief said to Bill "Buddy, you have one minute to prove you're for real, otherwise get out of our way"

Bill set to work digging and the earth and rocks fairly flew out of the way.

Within an hour, they had made astounding progress and had only 75 yards left to go. Even with Bill's help though, they would be hard pressed to make the one hour deadline and save the crowded train's passengers.

Bill stopped digging and went back to see the chief. "Get me a telephone and I'll call my brother" says Bill. "He was runner up in the ditch digging compettition and I'm the only person in the world who can dig better than him. He'll help us."

The call was made and in 20 minutes, Dave Skumpini, also scrawny and undernourished, turned up with another huge shovel and the brothers set to work.

Well folk's, the miracle happened and those brothers dug through 75 yards of rock and mud in 40 minutes flat and all the passengers were saved from suffocation in the nick of time. Bill and Dave were made heros and the mayor told them "Boys, you were fantastic. What a team." Bill shook his head and said "Aww, nothing to it really. Didn't you know? Two Skumpini free's a crowd"

[aroma]

Ed,

I'm speachless... absolutely speachless... that is one of the dumbest joke I've ever heard... so of course I had to print it off so I can read it for EVERYONE in the office. Talk about one heck of a setup for the punchline!

:deal:

[Hyperluminal]

<groan> ;)

[lurch]

I really wasn't trying to pick on you. :beer:
I know... and even if you were, that's okay wit me.. just givin' you a hard time.. :mrgreen: (I can't ever resist a post that just says "ouch" :) )

[Hyperluminal]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see
from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat
and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants
to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The banker asks his name and
the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick
Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money
and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She
asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink
porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly
formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and
he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

"The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick
knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling
Stone."

[aroma]

:2gunfire: :bawl:

(Someone shoot me now... )

[aroma]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[aroma]

Someone recently observed: There are only 10 types of people in the world...

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

[aroma]

(From a T-Shirt I once saw...)

SELECT * FROM users WHERE clue > 0

No Records Returned

[Ed Hansberry]

Due to poor annual profit management at the local crisp [potato chips, on this side of the Atlantic] factory in the north of Scotland decided to bring in new practices and methods of work. Part of the manufacturing process involved the transportation of the crisps around the factory in purpose made metal bins. Ever since anyone could remember the materials for the bins had been supplied by a local sheet metal manufacturer with final construction of the bins carried out by the workers within the factory. The bins were hand crafted with neatly soldered seams; they were a true work of art.

As a cost saving measure management made the decision to replace the costly hand crafted bins with cheaper ready made plastic bins. Not only would material costs be reduced but also staff levels within the factory could be reduced. This proposal angered both the workers within the factory and the local union. A vote was taken and strike action was unanimously agreed. As part of the action a local rally was organised with a march taking place from the factory to the rally.

To lift the workers spirits as they marched with their banners they sang.

Onward Crisp Bin Solderers.

[Kati Compton]

Aroma: I've seen the binary one - the SQL one is cute too. :)

[ironguy]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up. "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replied: "Watson, somebody stole our tent!"

[Hyperluminal]

I saw this in someone's sig a while ago, taken from a T-Shirt seen in the E3 convention:

Knowledge is Power
Power Corrupts
Study Hard
Be Evil

[Jeff Rutledge]

I'd kill to get into the Peace Corps.....

[ctmagnus]

Due to poor annual profit management at the local crisp factory in the north of Scotland decided to bring in new practices and methods of work.

Grammar alert! :multi: :mrgreen:

[Video11]

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice comes the reply..."The word is 'celebrate.'"

[ctmagnus]

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks is head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is molasses."

[Pat Logsdon]

*groan* :twak:

That joke is a bunch of "mole"arky. It "mole"sts my refined sensibilities and makes my teeth hurt. My "mole"ars, to be specific.

:mrgreen:

[Ed Hansberry]

Three guys die and meet St. Peter in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells them that because if the season, in order to enter heaven each must show something that represents Christmas.

The first guy pulls out a lighter, lights it, and says "This symbolizes the candles at Christmas". St Peter opens the gate and lets him in.

The second guy pulls out a set of keys and shakes them. "This symbolizes Christmas bells". He too is let into Heaven.

The third guy is desperately searching his pockets. Finally he pulls out a pair of women's underwear. "These are Carol's."

[Wiggin]

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on the same absolutely stunning deserted island in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man fighting for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, have gotten the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

:fro: & :rainbowafro: & :hippy: