A guy goes into a bar with a six foot long newt on a lead.
He sits on a bar stool and the newt rears up and puts his front feet on the bar while the man orders. "I'll take a beer and Tiny here will have whiskey".
The barman serves them both and the man sips his beer and occasionally holds the whisky up to the newt's lips so he can have a drink.
They go on like this most of the evening with the man ordering "A beer for me and a whiskey for Tiny" and when the bar quietens down a bit, the barman says to the man "That's an interesting pet you have there"
The man replies "Yes. he's an amazonian attack newt given to me by the chief of a tribe of south american indians I spent a few years with once. He's very fierce."
The barman looks the seemingly placid and by now slightly drunk newt up and down and says "hmm. he doesn't look all that fierce to me"
Just then, as if on cue, a couple of rowdy guys enter the bar and sit down next to the man and the newt. The nearest one is talking loudly to his friend and gesticulating wildly and knocks the chaps beer over. Rather than apologize for his obvious mistake, he complains that the beer had spilled on his new jeans and threatens to clobber the man.
In an instant the newt is on him and bites at the men's arms and legs till both of the newcomers run screaming and bleeding from the bar.
The barman says "Wow, I've never seen anything like that before. I bet you don't get much trouble with him around do you"
The guy shakes his head and agrees but says that he had better go before the police come back and arrest him for having a dangerous animal in public.
The barman bids him good night and says "Before you go I have just one question. Why the heck do you call him Tiny".
A guy goes into a bar and sits down at the counter looking miserable.
The barman asks him what he wants and the fellow says "Straight Whiskey, and keep 'em coming" so the barman puts a shot glass down in front of the guy and begins to pour.
The man downs one drink after another for the space of 10 minutes by which time the bottle is practically empty and the barman says "Whoa there, I've seen heavy drinking but you take the record. What brought this on"
The guy shakes his head and says "Friend, if you had what I've got, you'd be drinking this way too"
The barman looks at him, real concerned and says "Darn, what do you have that'd make you want to guzzle like that?"
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following;
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs rings.
6. And, if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
__________________
Get your Pocket Mojo. Anthony Caruana is the Mojo master.
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders
a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal.
I don't think you can pay for it."
"You're right, " the guy says, "I don't have any money,
but if I show you something you haven't seen before
will you give me a drink?"
"You have a deal my friend," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a
hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar, it runs to
the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across
the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts
playing Gerswhin.
"You're right I haven't heard anyting like that before,"
says the bartender. "The hamster is really gifted."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for
another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?"
asks the bartender. "Watch this," replies the guy.
Again, he reaches into his coat and pulls out a frog.
He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog
starts to sing. The frog has a marvelous voice
and great pitch. A fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar
runs over to the guy and offers him $300
for the frog. "It's a deal," says the guy.
He takes the three hundred and gives the
stranger the frog. The stranger runs out
of the bar.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You
sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been
worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy.
"The hamster is a ventriloquist."
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them. While I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its' rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my BIG mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours, honey!" I don't remember much after that...
A guy is sitting at the bar staring at his whiskey when a big truck driver comes in and drinks it. The man starts crying.
The truck driver, taken aback by this, says, "Hey, man, it was just a joke. Let me buy you another drink."
The man says, "But you don't understand! Today was the worst day of my life."
The truck driver asks why it was so bad. The man says, "First, my alarm clock died, so I was late to work for an important meeting. Then the boss fired me. When I went to my car to drive home, I found it had been stolen. I called a cab to take me home, but, when I got home, I didn't have my wallet, because I left it in my car. When I got inside my house, I found my wife with another man...."
The truck driver says, "Wow, buddy, I'm sorry."
The man says, "And then, just as I'm about to end it all, you show up and drink my poison!"
A guy goes into a bar...
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