So you are failing to manage what millions of millions of non-technical people have done and are looking for us all to nod our heads and join you on an anti-Apple crusade?
I have no idea what you have done wrong, but I do know that my wife has had no problem setting these things up and she has neither the technophile background nor tinkering nature I do.
What I see in her is the lack of patience - she doesn't want to update everything, store everything, and wait all sorts of hours. She will do a bit at a time and deal with it later.
That said, I have not been completely thrilled by the 2.0 update - and agree that the ROM update was very slow. My battery life has also suffered more than can be explained by the new games.
But I would recommend simplicity - sync some songs, some photos, and incrementally add until you succeed.